I never thought much about having a relapse of my PTSD. As I got older and I found myself coping better, I thought this was the way it would be from now on. I never thought another trauma could send me tumbling back into the flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance of yesterday…but it did.
That was a shock. Perhaps it shouldn’t have been, but I never expected to backslide like I have, and to find myself having to deal with feelings and responses that I thought were relegated to the past. Now I’m reliving a lot of those feelings and I have to tell you I don’t like it.
My hope is that this time it won’t take as long or require as much effort to pull myself up as it did last time. I don’t know if that will be the case or not, but I remain hopeful that what I’ve learned in the past will help again this time around. From the start that I’ve made, my past coping mechanisms appear to be helpful, if not as totally effective as they were 20 years ago.
I’m back to meditation, prayer, calming music and all the other tools I have in my personal arsenal for coping. They work; perhaps not as fast as they once did, or maybe that’s an inaccurate memory. Either way, I at least feel like I have some skills to draw upon now that I didn’t when I was younger, and I know I’ll make it through. That’s something to be happy about!
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